Just like every other time I’ve written an article or an essay, this time is no different. I’m sitting here, trying to put words on the paper and taking it all too seriously. When I do this I know I am trying too hard and when I try too hard, I inevitably screw things up. You would think that the opposite would be true. Unfortunately as hard as we work at something, the pay off is sometimes not worth all the effort. Now that sounds shockingly negative and it's not meant to; but it's true, sometimes trying to hard can ruin things.
While this concept applies to my passion for writing, it also applies to women, dating and relationships. Nice, caring, nurturing women whose first priority is not themselves, but usually their man. We as women usually want to please everyone and we try to do so, only to fail miserably in the end. Why is it that so many seemingly nice women get dumped all the time? The answer is we are too damned nice. The quote “nice guys finish last" also applies to women.
If I had a dollar for every nice woman gets dumped story I have heard or seen first hand, I’d be rich as well as single, which wouldn’t be so bad. Seemingly theirs' and my only sin was that we as women were too nice, understanding, caring or whatever; you get the picture. It’s hard to believe that women can be kicked to the kerb for being too nice.
The thing is relationships are part of a woman’s identity, which is why we work so hard at them. We can’t help it. It is natural for us to do this. What is not so natural is to work at being just a little bit bad here. Now ladies, I am not advocating nastiness or bitchiness here, even though we would all agree that some men need a bloody good smack. What I am advocating is a lot more love towards ourselves and our own lives and a little game of hard to get. He doesn’t get to have all the goodies all at once. Most of these casualties happen within the first three months. This is where the ambivalence begins to fester inside a man. You can quite clearly see when a woman’s relationship with a man is on the rocks. She will call home to check her messages. She will break plans with family and friends just to see him. She will do most of the chasing. She will drive herself crazy with wonder about what he is doing and why he has not called.
All that a woman can do at this point is to stop. Stop calling, stop thinking about him, stop whining and make a date with someone new. If he is really that interested, he will come running and if you never see him again, good riddance girls, he’s not interested. He might want a little action late on a Friday night and may ask you to come over. Don’t do it. You are not on call for a roll in the hay whenever the mood takes him. You have much higher standards than that. I have seen relationships end like this after years of the couple being together. I, myself encountered a man’s ambivalent bullshit, only to be kicked to the kerb after two and a half years. He said that he was not sure anymore. Truthfully girls, it was my fault. I was too nice and I became the proverbial doormat. The signs were there but I ignored all of them in the name of love, sweet love. I was with a man who, one night was expressing his undying love and commitment to me and then the next day he is yelling “You don’t own me!" down the telephone line. That should have been my wake up call, as he was basically saying “I’m here for a good time, not a long time," or “I am a commitment phobic asshole."
In all fairness though and particularly to the man whom I am referring to, (he will know who he is should he ever read this) he really did love me and still does, however like most commitment phobic people, he could not deal with the intensity of my love for him (moral of that story, stay away from commitment-phobes). I was the nice girl you would take home to meet mummy, I got on well with his parents, I did all of that doormat behaviour, and I put up with the in-laws crap. Bottom line was, he was a commitment phobe and he did not want passionate sex with his mother and judging myself on my doormat behaviour I guess I became that image. In the final six months I began to wise up, fortunately for me, so did he. He decided that his commitment phobia was a terminal illness. So it was sayonara sweetie.
The biggest revelation was that I was too nice, I needed to love myself more, and I must realise that men love women who aren’t so nice to them. So my suggestion to all women is to become more involved with who you are and what you want in life. When we as women assert ourselves out there in the real world, many men see us as bitches, however this also turns a man on and eventually they fall in love with the whole, she isn’t so wrapped up in me, she takes care of herself. They’ll get a hard on just thinking about how interested and focused you are on your own life. Act like an agreeable doormat, and he’ll be gone. Men love the chase, the cat and mouse game that we hate. They invented it, it turns them on. Why deprive them, it would be quite selfish of us not to indulge our man in something he loves so much.
Relationships, dating, commitment and marriage are a pretty serious business and dating with the intention of finding Mr Right can be a mixed bag of emotional bullshit. However, it is the seriousness of it all that leads to women trying too hard. At the beginning of this essay I spoke about trying too hard, and screwing it all up. I think we should all lighten up and approach this dating/relationship stuff with a sense of humour. Most importantly remember people always want what they can’t have, it’s human nature and that goes for both women and men so let the games begin.
Endnote: I wrote this when I was pretty hurt and emotional and my attempt was to make it comical, I would love some feedback. Chat with me on Twitter or Facebook or have your say in the comments box.
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Copyright 2006 Janelle Coulton