Saturday, October 5, 2013

Is Codependence Really A Negative Thing?

Why is it that co-dependence carries such a negative connotation? Is a codependent relationship really such a terrible thing? Of course it is very clear that some people carry the whole codependent attitudes too far, which essentially means that the partners in the relationship are co existing in an unhealthy way.

The word codependent came about when discussing alcoholics and drug addicts. Family who care for addicts and alcoholics are said to be in codependent relationships with the addict. It only becomes unhealthy when the carer of the addict does things for the addict that they can do on their own. For example, an alcoholic vomits all over the floor and his carer cleans it up, He or she should be making the addict clean up their own vomit.

However, there are times when co-dependence is not a bad thing. Codependent couples are extremely loyal to each other, they care for each other, defend each other when someone is putting one of them down and they often will do things for each other out of the goodness of their hearts, nothing more, nothing less. So where do you draw the line when it comes to co-dependence?

This is a couple who are not alcoholics or even addicted to anything at all. They are seemingly healthy physically and mentally, yet they engage in codependent behaviors all the time. If one spouse is covering up something bad that the other spouse did, then perhaps it is codependency on an unhealthy scale, but where we see a marriage of two people who absolutely adore each other and want to do things for each other all the time, I have say what in the heck is wrong with that?

A relationship which is all about two people loving each other, even if their behavior is codependent, simply cannot be a bad thing. There is more about this topic in my article: Pro’s and Con’s of Codependence.

So what do you think? Can a codependent relationship be healthy? Hit the comments with your thoughts and please; no spam and be polite and respectful.

Copyright 2013 Janelle Coulton - All Rights Reserved

This article cannot be republished or reprinted without the express permission of the author in writing. A short summary with a link back to the article is allowed.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Ex

After a break up it is normal for us to spend most of our time thinking about our ex-lover. We will re-hash the past and what went wrong in our relationships.

Hearts - Design Freebies (http://designfreebies,org)

We think about the good times and wonder how those good times turned into a break-up. Thinking about your ex too much is not healthy, as this will ultimately interfere with other important aspects of your life.

You Do Need To Grieve 

During the first few weeks after you have broken up, it is totally normal for your ex to be constantly on your mind. To not be thinking about him or her would be extremely unusual. This is the time when you are working through your negative emotions and grieving for the love you have lost. And this process is necessary for your survival.

However, if it has been a few months since the break-up, then it is extremely important that you try to switch off from thinking too much about your ex and relationship that went south. Of course, what I am saying is so much easier said that done. You need an outlet for your thoughts, such as a hobby. Some of us are lucky enough to have plenty of hobbies and activities that they get involved in on a regular basis. It’s time to become a busy bee, and get into your hobbies and interests again. Do you have interests that you are absolutely passionate about? I know that I do; my writing and my music are my great passions in life. This is exactly what you need, because when we are doing what we love the most, we feel great about ourselves.

Obsessing Is Detrimental To Your Recovery

Thinking and obsessing about our ex lover and your relationship too much can become an unhealthy exercise. Perhaps you have a very important job where you need your focus and concentration. One example is my partner – he is a nurse. He hates it when we fight as he is extremely upset and he cannot afford to overwhelmed by his thoughts and emotions as he need to concentrate on the people he looks after. You may be teacher or childcare worker, where you are responsible for other’s welfare. Any job that we do is important in the huge tapestry of life, however this is just one example where you need to be focused on your life and what you need to do each day.

Your Family And Kids Must Come First

Perhaps you are a mum or dad, and the most important thing in life you will ever do in life is raise your children. Your focus will need to be on your kids first and foremost, as they will be just as shattered by the break-up or divorce as you are and you need to tend to their needs. Children suffer most than we know as a result of separation and divorce and need you more than you know. Unfortunately given the amount of hurt and pain you are feeling, you may not see what is right under your nose. The positive of this scenario is you will have more time for your kids and this will indeed bond you together in a very special way. I know from my own experience with divorce that I could have done better for my daughter, she suffered a lot more than she will ever let on as a result of myself and her father separating and divorcing. However, she and I are very close and the best of friends, and the love we share is so unique and special and I treasure it.

Pay attention to your needs and honor them, you have the time to do that now. Your partner may be gone for the time being, but if you use this time wisely to pay look after number one; yourself, you will benefit greatly in the long run.

Picture Credit:

Copyright © 2013 Janelle Coulton

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Coping With A Sexless Relationship

Are you in a marriage or relationship without sex? The following article shows what will help and what will not.

It is difficult to share a life with someone when there is no intimacy or sexual encounters and going with out sex can be extremely frustrating and can cause much tension and problems in other areas of the marriage. A lack of sex and/or physical affection or intimacy can cause problems that go much deeper.

If this is what is happening in your relationship or marriage then there are some useful tips that you may want to try to resolve the situation and help bring back the emotional closeness between you and your partner. Chances are if the two of you are on the same level emotionally then the sexual fire will start burning bright in your lives once again. Unless you and your spouse have fallen out of love with each other, then there is no reason why this problem can not be solved.

The following ideas are things you can do that will help with your marriage:

  • Living each day as it happens and making the most of each day is important. You and your partner must try to get back to the happy place in your marriage. Focusing on the good in each other and learning to appreciate what you love about each other will help to bring you closer and in turn will hopefully lead to closeness in the bedroom.
  • Stay as positive as possible. Keep an optimistic attitude to your marriage. Fixing problems in your relationship will not happen if you focus on the negative. Becoming depressed and giving up will not help.
  • Keep the lines of communication open. Try to energize your relationship by doing things together that you did in the beginning, like a date night once a week. Sex will come to a halt in relationships because things have gotten stale. Try to do things together and hopefully this will automatically revert to the bedroom.

As with any relationship problem there are many things that will not help the situation. Try and avoid doing the following things as this will make the problem between you so much worse:

  • Do not mock your spouse’s lack of sexual interest. It is quite okay to discuss these differences calmly and respectfully but it is never okay to make a mockery of how they feel. Trying to make your spouse feel bad will push you further apart and your sex life will become a distant memory. It is also a wise idea to stop discussing the problem if one or both of you become upset during the discussion.
  • Blaming your spouse is ridiculous. And yet this is what normally happens in a relationship where there is no sex. Don’t go down this road; it is pointless, this is no ones fault. Differing sex drives are a fact of life in most relationships. Limited sexual activity is more common than most people realise. Blaming each other will only cause more arguments and the gap between you will grow wider.
  • Do not allow the sexual problem take over your relationship. It is very important that you keep this issue separate and not allow it to affect everything else. Focusing on the good in your marriage is what will get you through the bad times. You need to embrace the positives; or you will soon find you are fighting about everything. And when this happens, you will never fix your sexless relationship, because you will both be so unhappy that sex is probably the last thing on your minds.

If the sexual activity in your marriage has dried up then you cannot lose hope. It is up to both of you to work on the problem while keeping in mind that you love and care for each other. If you work together with a positive attitude and with your partner’s best interests in mind it will happen. Your spouse is most likely just as distressed about this issue as you may be and if you love each other then you can do it.

Copyright © 2013 Janelle Coulton