Sunday, January 27, 2008

No Contact



Many people write to me and ask me what “no contact” is and how do you do “no contact”? “No Contact” is a break up strategy that I learned a few years ago when I went through a break up and wanted the man in question back. However, “no contact" is more about taking care of you, and doing “no contact” does more for you in terms of getting your life back on track.

Many people whose partners break up with them would like to stay in constant contact, and they would even like to be friends. But I do not feel that this is a good idea. Being in contact all the time leaves a temptation to ask them to come back to the relationship. This puts pressure on your ex, and this is exactly what you do not want to do. You want them to return of their own free will.

Before I go any further with explaining “no contact” I will say that it will not work for couples with children. If you are going through a divorce/separation or break up and you have children, this strategy will not be effective. You can use it but you must keep some kind of contact happening for your children. Your kids obviously have to come first.

If you were living together, then at the beginning of the break up there will be contact as one of you will be required to move out of the home you are sharing. After he or she has formally moved out, then you begin “no contact” For couples who do not live together, “no contact” should begin the same day they end the relationship. However, I realize that most of you reading this article will have had some contact with your ex lovers. It’s not too late to start now, so go to it.

Do not call him or her, do not write, or email and do not text message. Nothing, no contact means zilch. You then focus on the business of getting your life back together. You will probably not hear from your ex for a while as they may expect you to chase after them, especially if they did the dumping here. However if you do hear from them; here is your strategy. Be polite and short with them, tell them you are busy and wish them a nice day. Tell them you would love to catch up soon. No longer than 5 minutes on the phone, and do not tell them anything about what is happening in your life. Talk to them about them, and make small talk at that.

If they call and leave you a message, return the call, but not straight away. Wait a few days, apologise, say you were busy and then ask them what they wanted. Again keep the call short, tell them you are fine, and you will chat to them soon. You need to create wonder and curiosity in their minds about your life. You need to create a situation where your ex wants to know more about what you are doing in your life. You want them to ask you out. Eventually they probably will, but wait for them to ask, do not approach them to go out anywhere.

This strategy is so effective, I recommend it to just about everyone whose relationship has ended and they want their partners back. For people who have children together, you would obviously have to vary it. You would need to be very discreet about your life with your children, because obviously they will tell the other parent all of what is going on with mum or dad. There should be some kind of agreement in place about when the children call your ex and when your ex can call the children, so that the children’s schedule of bedtime, baths, dinner and so forth is not interrupted.
 “No contact” is so very effective for both you and your ex because it drives them wild with curiosity over what you are doing and more importantly why they have not heard from you. It also gives you that time and space to work at becoming the person you were before the break up and that’s the person you want them to see. Worst case scenario is that you and your partner do not reunite, but you will have forged on ahead with your life and this is a positive thing.

If you are contemplating trying this after reading this article, I wish you all the best. It worked for me and I believe it can work for you.




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You will find more information available, articles and relationship advice and tips at Jel's website: http://jelbaby.webs.com


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12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello~
I read your post regarding "no contact" which I have been doing with my ex who broke up with me nearly 2 1/2 months ago. He recently contacted me after 1 1/2 months of no contact by calling and leaving a voicemail message. I did not return the call and 6 days later he called again early on Monday morning saying that he was a little concerned since he hadn't heard from me in a while and to please call him. An hour or so later I received an e-mail from him asking if we could talk and that he wanted to apologize for many things. A few days later I replied with an e-mail saying that I was fine and I didn't see anything that we needed to talk about. He replied an hour later saying that he was glad to hear I was fine and asking me a few questions regarding where I am living, working, etc. My question is I'm not sure what his motives are for getting in touch with me and what kind of role physical distance plays in your technique for getting back together. After breaking up, I moved 1,200+ miles away from him to get my life back on track. Please let me know what you think of this situation and if you recommend me just letting go and moving on completely.

Anonymous said...

I called my ex four times after she broke up with me and emailed her a bunch of times...for five days...I have since stopped...and I see what "value" I have with my ownself...I have visualized the pros and cons...I would lke this lady back in my life...this has given me time to reflect on my own growth...oh yes I cry and sob like a kid...I'm 48 years old...but my feelings for are like a high school kid...No contact is really the best way for me...do you think I have a chance even though I contacted her for five straight days...but have since stopped?...I like the part about "freewill"...I only want her back if she is willing to be with me and whom I am...for now...I walk my two lovely dogs...each a bit of tennis...exercise...read... and cry during the day...it is out of my hands...thsnk you for the great article...

ken said...

hi...been day 10 no contact...contacted her the first four weeks by email and by phone...it is very difficult for me...i was engaged to someone before her...my emotions were still attached to the one i was engaged to while meeting the new girl...but in time i fell in love with her...deeply in love...got mad at her for not kissing me after four months of dating...thied time for me with her....need to respect her wishes...feels like a giant sword in my heart...i'm almost 50///...day 10...very hard....but thank you for writing this column....sincerely, ken

Anonymous said...

I recently had a break up and my lover constantly tells me what he's doing, when he's working, what's going on in his life etc. etc.. I am going to try this no contact approach. It is going to be very hard. He recently informed me he is moving down to Florida for a few months to get away so I don't expect this approach to help me get him back but hopefully it will at least help me heal more. I will be honest and say I wish this could win him back at this time though.

victoria said...

no contact def does create mystery and curiosity from your ex. NC def make them wanna talk to you. or at least won't feel pressure in talking to you again. however, there is no guarantee that they'll necessary wanna get back w us. i think it's still depends on free will...

k said...

MY guy just broke up with me to see other people 2 weeks ago. He said it was wrong to break up with someone whom he loved as much as he loved me but he needed to go out an explore other people as he is recently divorced (30 years married). We had so much going for us and were talking about the future together.

I am a mess. I feel this is so very wrong. I waited 40 years to find someone who treated me like he did and now he is gone.

I want him back but the no contact is hard. I know I will see him again, I know I need to heal and get things back on track but it seems impossible at this point.

Anonymous said...

the first 3 months of my breakup i called, cried, txtd and would try to run into him. we would still have sex and it would leave me to believe we were getting back together. after a while i got fed up and went NC.

4 months later he started to txt me and try to reach me. said he missed me and coudnt find the same connection with anyone! he called me last night and said he wanted to be in eachohters lives. Hes saying everything i wanted to hear but the only problem is, is that hes not saying he wants me back. i do not know where to go at this point? just keep talking? or stay distant. its so hard for me not to just invite him over and go back into the old habits.

Anonymous said...

I did it, and when I asked him to stop calling me, he was fine with it. He didn't feel sad about it. Guess it's a way of knowing he doesn't love me anymore.

Anonymous said...

This tacktic does not apply for all it really depends on the person and the leangth of the relationship.Some times and most times its because the person has found some one else if for some reason there is some sort of lost interest.As for girls you need to pay attention to there emotional needs.You need to be able to not listen to what they say but know them well enouph to react to there emotions and show them your support.They need to know your man enouph to be there for them to make them feel good and secure with them selves and your relationship.Never disrespect your other with words or actions.If your other is a good person and you have a solid mutual attraction and a strong bond before a break and for what ever reason a break may accure especially if some one else comes in to fill the void you need to show respect and with a clear outsiders perspective tell them how you feel and be yourself then act on no contact and get yourself togeather to build a stronger relationship when the other person does call....And they will if you stay confident and polite.Dont create a worse situation with more scars out of emotion.Let him or her remember the initial spark and durring this time fix your self?

Anonymous said...

A NO Contact approach is for children who can not communicate. If you really want to get back together, be an adult, suck it up and begin to resolve your problems. How many relationships that could have been saved have been lost to a Mind Game like NO CONTACT.

Anonymous said...

I don't recommend defining the situation for the ex (who broke up with you) and saying "I won't contact you anymore". This in itself gives some power back to them by declaring what you will do. I recommend just doing it cold turkey without explanation. I did it a couple weeks ago and it has me feeling a lot better and more in control. I had spent ~2 months contacting her constantly after she broke up. Idk if I'll get her back, but my gut tells me it's helping and my mental health is WAY better since obsessing over every contact with her.

Jel said...

Sorry I'm so late in responding to your comments. Just want to say that sometimes this methods works for some people and not for others, however it was successful for me so I advocate it. For the reader who responded that people should talk and communicate and not play games, I so agree, but some couples can't communicate without arguing. I don't see this method as a game, I see it as taking care of yourself and focussing soley on yourself, your kids, family and life.